A few years ago, I found myself chatting to a couple of fellow freelancers on the sidelines of a conference when a youngish guy stepped up to me. He was with the organisation that had put on the event, and I was charmed that he came over to introduce himself and make small talk with four strangers.
Then, about two minutes into the interaction, he abruptly shoved a business card into my hands and those of the other three journalists standing next to me. I can’t remember exactly what had been said up to that point, but I remember it feeling forced and awkward.
I thought he had come over because he wanted to get to know me and the other three journos standing next to me. But this interaction wasn’t about us; it was about him.
Of course, I took his business card and if I ever hear from a client who needs someone with his specific expertise, I’ll happily put them in touch with him. I also recognise that this journalist and I were in different situations. When you’re just starting out with no contacts in the industry you want to enter, you have to put yourself out there.
Still, it felt a little as if he was only interested in talking to me if I could give him something, a contact, a referral, some bit of knowledge. When, after a 5-minute chat or so, it became clear that I wouldn’t be of use to him, he exited the conversation, parting with an entirely unnecessary: “I should probably go and talk to some other people.” It felt like someone was swiping left on me, only in person.
I’m going to venture a guess here, but I don’t think this guy made a lot of meaningful connections that evening.
And there is no way not to sound like a prick saying this, but I did.
Left standing by myself after being conversation-dumped by this journo (the other three journos had broken off into a separate group by this point), I took a deep breath and strode over to another group.
I ended up talking to a lot of people that evening, but I would say I made two genuine, sincere connections. We connected in the business sense, yes – we added each other LinkedIn a few days after the event. But what I really mean is that I connected with these two people on a more fundamental level. To use another dating analogy, we hit it off. I laughed at their jokes, they laughed at mine. It was a good time.
I’m positive we’ll keep in touch and maybe in a year from now, they’ll be able to help me, or I’ll be able to help them with something. Maybe not.
How did I make these two connections?
I asked questions and listened to their answers – that was it 🤷🏽♀️ Of course, it helped that I was genuinely interested in and liked both individuals – which meant it wasn’t something I faked or had to force myself to do. I also want to recognise that I may have a bit of advantage here, as asking questions and listening to people’s answers is half of what I do as a journalist.
As far as I’m concerned, the biggest lie about networking, one that many of us have come to accept as fact, is that networking is about shoving business cards into people’s hands, making quick introductions and then swiftly moving along to the next group of people.
But networking should not feel extractive in my book. For me, networking is about trying to find and make “work friends” if I can put it that way. I don’t want networking to feel like I’m networking. I want it to feel like relationship-building with people I like who might one day be able to help me. Or not.
Getting something out of the relationship as quickly as possible cannot be the end goal – at least not for someone like myself, who hates it. I’ve become good at networking because I’ve developed this aimless, bohemian approach to it that matches what I value in professional interactions, i.e. sincerity, authenticity and integrity.
And if there’s one thing I’ve remembered from an article I wrote about networking a long time ago, it’s that networking isn’t about you. Instead, it’s about listening to the person across from you, showing a genuine interest in what they’re saying, and asking a lot of questions. Only after you’ve done that, can you try to ask for something in return or promote your own services or product. This is the “jab, jab, jab, right hook” business philosophy, developed by entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk.
What this young journalist did at that conference two years ago by handing out business cards a few sentences into our conversation was to immediately punch me with a right hook. That’s why it didn’t feel good. That’s why it felt extractive.
What do you think about all this? Has your approach to networking evolved over the years? Do you have tips for our readers to make networking feel less like … – ehm – networking? You can comment on this post on our website or email us.
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Linda
What our readers are saying:
We received lots of responses to our last few newsletters. Keep ’em coming. We love to hear from you.
“I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the newsletter this week! There’s been so much knee-jerk, reactive stuff in the news on ‘quiet quitting’ and the like these past few weeks, it was so refreshing to read something more nuanced!” – Response from Jem Collins, freelance journalist and founder of the amazing JournoResources, to ‘Playing the long game’
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What I’m reading this week:
The article I wrote about networking. Rereading it just now, I realise how much it has shaped how I think and go about networking.